Dear Public Diary- the person of my jealousy

For I am a jealous God.

He said it himself but maybe not in same the way I’ve felt it.

Yes, there it is... I said it, I am a jealous person and it never used to be a problem. Jealousy was my fuel, the one thing that spurred me to action. The first time I remember being aware of this strange feeling that has come to be my companion was way back in Primary School. There was this girl in my class, I can’t remember her name but this one time my teacher pronounced her as the pupil with the best handwriting. I wasn’t happy about that. He was my favorite teacher and nobody was going to take my place as his best and favorite student and so I went into action. I made friends with her, became her seat partner and studied her handwriting. By the end of the session, we had a draw but I still had an edge, I was smarter and that made me the winner. Case closed. Although, we eventually became good friends.
      The second time I was entirely engulfed by this emotion was in a teens camp I attended. There was another girl, a family friend that my mom invited to join the camp. I remember her name; I cannot forget this one because prior to our meeting my dad always went on and on about how smart she was and how she got this scholarship and bleh bleh bleh. So that year in camp she won Best Camper and my mom would not let me hear the last of it and so I decided I’d show her. The next camp, I paid closer attention and when the competition came up, I got a perfect score and so I was best camper and this time, the gifts were much bigger, I remember my mom being so happy. Another time, I won Best Graduating Student in a school I joined in the second term of my second year as a senior and took pictures with the principal wielding the school staff in place of the head girl. I remember what pushed me to be the best was the one time someone mentioned it in passing that a certain girl always took first position. Na so my engine start. Do you see

      Now this went on and on and I was always in competition with someone that didn’t even know they were competing. But these days it has begun to constitute a nuisance. I just feel this rush of emotion which doesn’t feel so good when someone is doing something I thought I was good at better than me. There was once a discussion in a group on this topic of jealousy a few years back and I remember someone saying they didn’t understand why people got jealous of other people. I was shaken, I didn’t know we had superhumans that have never felt even a tinge of hurt when someone got something they worked really hard for and they got little or nothing. Well, forgive me, maybe I am a descendant of Cain for I know Cain must have produced a generation but I and other people who can relate are human and we get jealous and sometimes it rises to hurtful peaks but we cannot control it, maybe if we could, we would just turn that green button off completely and maybe it is a function of how we were brought up; with comparisons and criticisms but it is what it is right now and the only thing we can do about it is let it fuel us or if we feel nothing good is going to come out of it, we pray to hurt nobody and wait that shit out. People make jealousy seem like pure and dark evil but there's harmless jealousy. There's jealousy borne of love. Yes, jealousy arises where there's insecurity and everyone is insecure about something.
     So what I leave here is that jealousy is a two-edged sword. One that helps build could be the same that could break down if we aren't careful.
So bye for now public diary.
                                 

                        Yours till the pen bleeds again
                                             XOXO